Brave (long) May 1, 2008

Today I drove in a blizzard to Denver to drop off a paper at IAN and to drop off the dossier for notarization. I asked myself while going about 25 on the highway all the way from Castle Rock to Denver, why I did not just wait until tomorrow. I guess there are a few reasons.... 1. I said I would do it today, and I do what I say. 2. If I wait until Friday then I have to wait until Monday to pick it up (yes, I a doing it again tomorrow to pick it up). 3. because I am a mom, and just like I love my girls and would do nearly anything for them.... I love my boys. So, I got there, got everything done and got info on the three boys who are waiting. ( I MAY NOT share info about them on this blog or on line anywhere until after they are ours -that would be after the embassy date in Ethiopia). Sorry. I want to follow the rules because, I am a rule keeper and I want things to continue to go well for other families.

So a new development arrises, we are approved for 4 kids 0-7. We said we want 2 boys under 5. There are 3 boys under 5. Our hearts say to keep them together, they are buddies. That counts for a lot really, when you are talking about a lot of loss.............

On the way home, I drove praying about this, with a really heavy heart. I had several verses rolling around my head and a bunch of songs that are meaningful to me. God's providence and care for each of us. Our path so often comes to us through difficult circumstances and that is certainly the case in adoption. Our hearts desire has names. Names are real.

These are just a few of the verses rumbling in my mind. I have so so many more.

1. Mark 10:27
   Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
   

Ephesians 3: 20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

So, then I decided to hear the radio. This song came on.
Brave
(Nichole Nordeman, Jay Joyce)
For Charlie, who rearranged my fearful heart.

The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound and
Until now it's where I've been

'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall...

Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I'm gone

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
I wanna be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

These and many others are some of my most cherished verses. I am a person naturally given to fear of the unknown. I am also a person who has a desire to unearth the unknown, maybe so that there is less to be afraid of, but it is also fun. How do I do anything, let alone unearth the unknown or do the interesting things I long to do if I am afraid of the unknown? In our life together so far Dave and I have done more and seen more than most people our age.

I team teach ladies Bible Study at church. In January we ended the book of Jonah. Now, I got a really unusual take home, practical application. I read about Jonah not doing what God wanted him to do. Then he did it but not willingly. He missed the blessing that could have been his. The question for me was this: "What are you not doing that God has asked you to do? Why?" At that point we had been talking very seriously about adoption for at least a year or more. I was struggling with being comfortable. Too comfortable. Yet not feeling settled at all really. Something is missing. I knew it but was not willing to go forward. Why? Fear of the unknown, all that could go wrong....... I ask myself if that is a good reason for not doing what I KNOW I should be about? Am I Jonah? Yes, I have a reason to be afraid. But, God says "Do not be afraid". I came home in tears of gratfulness for that release of fear to do what is right, what deep down I longed to do. Ok.... we are on our way, full throttle forward. Find the boys, bring them home. I love them dearly. I am not afraid. I am realistic, but I am not afraid.

Fast forward to today. Three? I am afraid. Part of me thinks to myself; "Say what girl? I thought you were over this! God talked to you, did he not? You got his hand, go forward." The other part of me says, "But... what if... where...how...?"

I remember all the verses, I remember countless song lyrics. Then this one comes on the radio. Tears spurt out of my eyes. Fear stress coming out. I know it, it has a name. Fear must go. I will be brave. My sons are brave, my daughters are brave. I too will be brave. If God wants us to have three then it WILL work out. Financially something will make it possible. I know we can love three. I know we need them and they need us. Why? How? But......... "with God all things are possible" "Do not fear, for I am with you", "and Jesus said, let the little children come.", "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want... yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death (and my boys have) I am with you...my cup overflows, surly goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life..." . Yes, God can do it.

So, on to living free of fear.